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Josh Freed: We can all tighten our belt on the 69-cent loonie diet

As the Canadian dollar takes a tumble, it's time to get creative with our vacation plans and our caviar supply.

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Look out, the global financial meltdown is back — but only in Canada.

Everywhere you look there’s bad news about our country’s economy: our falling stocks, our diving loonie, our sinking oil wells. The Canadian dollar is falling as fast as the Montreal Canadiens.

If it sinks any further, it may be at par with Canadian Tire dollars.

The Bank of Canada warns we’re in for some hard years, while some critics say the loonie could fall from 69 cents to 59 … 49 … 39 … who knows? We are becoming the BlackBerry of nations.

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The media are busy giving grim advice on how we Canadians should adjust — by vacationing in Iqaluit, or knitting our own tuques as we knit others for Syrian refugees. Or sewing our own lampshades, forging our own frying pans and minting our own coins.

But I say: Think positive! You don’t have to give up what you like just because you can’t afford it. Here is a guide to How to Live Like an American on Canadian Dollars.

Don’t adjust your taste, just adjust your waist — to fit our 69-cent dollar. So don’t switch to tinned tuna from your usual tin of caviar. Just have two-thirds of a tin.

Likewise, eat two-thirds of a club sandwich with two-thirds of a pickle, downed with two-thirds of a beer. I know this is tough when ordering in fancy restaurants, but stick to your guns and demand the kids’ portion.

Imported foods like nuts and Californian fruit have soared ridiculously, but if you eat two-thirds as much you’ll spend the same as always — and lose weight. Eventually you’ll weigh two-thirds as much, which is good for your pot as well as your pocket. So go on the 69-cent loonie diet today.

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If your daughter dreams of four years at an elite U.S. college, don’t say no. Just enrol her for two-thirds of the time and give her 2.6666 years at college. Meanwhile, ask yourself hard questions about what you need. Do you really need seven pairs of gloves, four suits, three computers — or two kidneys?

Avoid elite, luxury destinations like London, Paris, Rome, New York, Berlin and other cities whose currencies aren’t plunging.

Above all, avoid the U.S. — friends returning from Christmas in Florida are still going through Post-Traumatic Price Disorder. Apparently, the standard interrogation when crossing back over the Vermont border after a weekend in Stowe now sounds like this:

GUARD: Did you buy anything in the U.S., sir?

YOU: No, we couldn’t afford it. But we did sell our skis to pay for the lift ticket.

While our dollar is down against three-quarters of the world’s currencies, there are still many fascinating countries whose money is a bargain compared to ours — such as the Algerian dinar, Syrian pound, Malaysian ringgit, Ugandan shilling, Tajikistani somoni, Ukrainian hryvnia and Zambian kwacha.

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I’m sure these are wonderful places, so enjoy your travels. But don’t forget: Wherever you holiday, take only two-thirds of your family.

Skip expensive luxury stores like Metro and Winners, and go to places like Costco — but not for the prices. You can stock up on 50 gallons of OJ, 20 tons of detergent and 100 cases of Perrier as insurance, in case our dollar plummets again.

Imported foods like almonds have soared so high you have to be nuts to eat them. But peanuts still cost peanuts.

One Canadian product is now at bargain-basement prices: gas — so stock up and use it creatively. Forget fancy imported olive oil. Instead, try tarsands oil and vinaigrette salad dressing. When buying a new vehicle, think Canadian — nothing gets you through winter like a snowmobile.

In the 21st century, ownership is out and “loanership” is in, so start sharing. To save money, you can share a car, share a bike, share a garden, share a house or share a spouse.

There are other, more drastic measures you can take, should our dollar fall below 30 cents. When the supermarket screen flashes a shocking $431.67, don’t pay — haggle, like others in Third World economies. Make a counter-offer of $31.67 and see how long they hold out while you hold up the line.

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Other tips I’ve seen online: save on razors by growing a beard; save on rugs by “gluing a square of carpet onto each shoe”; and save on transport by hanging on to the back of the bus.

Above all, don’t despair. Our main problem is that our currency shares the same name as America’s. I don’t feel bad when our dollar loses against the pound or euro, or Moldovan leu.

But a dollar should be worth a dollar, so it’s hard not to compare. We tried renaming ours the loonie, but it didn’t stick. So maybe the U.S. should change theirs instead.

It’s not impossible — really. You may yet live to see “the Trump.”

Joshfreed49@gmail.com 

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