Commentary: Ramon’s spring short shorts

Adopt a pothole

I don’t have any stats to know how effective those Adopt a Highway programs are in cleaning up litter. But if TDOT is looking to expand community involvement and volunteer participation in improving the state’s highways and byways, I have a proposal I believe will interest Williamson County motorists a great deal. It’s called Adopt a Pothole. 

An individual, family, or business simply adopts a growing pothole on the interstate, state highway, city street or county road. TDOT provides all pothole adopters a filler kit with the necessary materials, equipment and instructions for patching their adopted pothole. 

Innovative adopters are encouraged to concoct their own filler recipes since almost anything will last as long as whatever is currently being used. For example, one family is planning to fill their pothole with wet sand, concrete mix, molasses, and the mother-in-law’s sourdough bread mixture.  

Adopters must commit to regular monitoring of the pavement and prompt repair of their crumbling crater. Repair teams are urged to wear bright orange vests and be able to run fast and be agile enough to dodge traffic. 

Older and/or slower adopters may want to consider adopting a parking lot pothole and restricting repairs to Sunday afternoons … at Hobby Lobby or Chick-fil-A.  

May I recommend (beg) someone to adopt the oldest and largest pothole in Williamson County? Located near the lighting store and the oil change facility off Mission Court in Cool Springs, a Confederate soldier’s journal entry indicated that the obstructive pothole posed a problem to canon carts during the Battle of Franklin. In 1974, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the pothole in preparation for his famous Snake River Canyon leap.

I’m telling you, it’s the Bermuda Triangle of potholes. Many a car and driver have disappeared into that bottomless pit. The nearby coffee truck is considering sealing and lining the gaping hole, filling it with water, and turning it into a decorative fountain. But they may be outbid by a neighboring boutique gym that sees the potential for an inground hot tub. 

Wouldn’t it be gratifying to know that by adopting just one pothole you’d be…

Preventing wrecks caused by drivers swerving to miss potholes.

Helping motorists save money by avoiding costly repairs such as blown tires, bent rims and front-end alignments. 

Reducing the profane cursing of angry drivers who are unable to miss that #^@*!  %#@!!  pothole. 

Call 1-800-POT-HOLE now to apply for adoption. Operators are standing by. And be sure to request your free bumper stick that’s going viral — the one that says, “Hey, don’t blame me. It’s not my asphalt.” 

Audience participation question No. 1 

Am I the only one this happens to?

11:35 p.m. — tired and sleepy on the couch, trying to read

11:40 p.m. —. can’t keep eyes open, head starting to bob

11:45 p.m. — get up and go on to bed

11:50 p.m. — in bed, wide awake

Marital distress 

I received an email this week that says, “Hey Doc, I’ve got 11 marriages that need saving this month. Are you up for it?” 

I didn’t recognize the name of the sender so I’m thinking she is either...

A) a staff member of a large church

B) a local counselor who is burned out and is taking several months off to hide out in a cabin in the woods, stare blankly out the windows, and knit afghans by the fireplace 

C) a hairstylist who hears/knows way more about her clients’ lives than she wants to

D) the producer of a reality TV show

E) a member of the Kardashian family

F) the coach of a Boys 7 & under travel soccer team 

G) the founder and leader of a polygamy cult in rural Utah 

H) a polygamist with 11 wives

I) the canned food chef of a paranoid survivalist community living in an underground bunker in New Mexico

J) the activities director on a marriage enrichment cruise ship that is stuck on a sandbar outside Coco Cay 

K) the director of pickleball at The Villages in Florida who regularly observes why most married couples should not play doubles together

What does the sun drink?

As I watch the sun 

slowly sit up from its horizon bed

I feel reassured, comforted even,

that I too awake slowly,

stir and rise reluctantly 

before stumbling dim-eyed 

and feeble-legged as a baby giraffe 

toward the kitchen 

to brew a cup of clarity and purpose.

How to make a

woman’s head

explode 

Wife: You’re not even listening. 

Husband: Huh? Listening to what?

Wife: Oh my gosh, you haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?

Husband: Well, that’s a heck of a way to begin a conversation.

Audience participation question No. 2

Am I the only one who believes that sometimes putting a shirt in the dryer with a scented Cling Free sheet is as good as washing it?

A Haiku 4-U

Robert DeNiro, 79, and Al Pacino, 83, are brand new fathers of infants. I think that deserves a traditional 5-7-5 haiku in their honor.

New dads, Rob & Al.

Cotton diapers or Pampers?

Well, that just Depends.