On behalf of my fellow westerners let me be the first to welcome our eastern visitors and their money to the Wild Wild West this coming summer. We certainly want to be hospitable hosts but before you get the idea you might like to prolong your stay and make the West your permanent abode I feel compelled to tell you there are a few things that the local Chamber of Commerce didn’t tell you.

Sure, Montana may capture your soul but may I remind you that the last easterner who wanted to take up permanent residence there was George Custer. Sure you can find a place to park the family RV in the Dakotas but  the Badlands are also the Home of God’s Frozen People. There is usually no weather in the north country… it’s always 0. Did I mention black ice and snow tires? 

Washington state offers much scenic beauty, great beer and of course there is Mount Saint Helens. But before you get any ideas about making the northwest your new domicile need I remind you that Big Foot is still roaming around. If you survive him there are the logging trucks and of course Mount Saint Helens could erupt again at any time burying you in molten pumice. You’ve really got to watch your ash in Washington.

Millions of tourists will discover Nevada this summer. The Silver State offers gambling and other indoor recreational sports, if you get my meaning. But the reason everybody stays indoors in Nevada is because outside they are testing nuclear bombs. In Idaho all those buildings you see are not potato cellars. Besides the potato, Idaho’s sagebrush plain is also home to the largest concentration of nuclear reactors in the country. That is why those lucky people who live in Nevada and Idaho always have that certain glow about them.

The Texas and Oklahoma Panhandles may take your breath away… but actually what you are smelling are the feedlots in full flower. Cramped Texans would also probably want me to mention their hail, humidity and  hurricanes. Like Texans always say, “short visits make for long friends.” 

Sure, the weather in California has attracted lots of people but that is just because they don’t know how bad earthquakes can be. Before you married couples decide that a change of scenery might save your marriage there is another California oddity that could be more devastating than the big quake that is due at any minute. It is called community property. 

Oregon is pretty but it is also full of native California nuts, flakes and vegetables trying to escape the big quake. The possibility of having one of them as a neighbor should be enough to discourage anyone from moving there.

I have to admit that Zion and Bryce and the rest of Utah is breathtaking. But need I remind you that those rock formations were carved by floods and wind. Takes a pretty strong wind to carve rock you know? Besides, it can be tough to get a drink in Utah on Sunday. 

If you are thinking of relocating, try Kansas. During a twister there your house might get relocated for free. It was the home of the Wizard of Oz you may recall. Colorado will steal your heart but try buying a house in Aspen. They’ll steal more than your heart. 

You might want to exercise squatters rights in the southwest but I have to warn you all the food is covered in red and green chili and the bathrooms and the watering holes are much too far apart. The Tucson Tourist Bureau brags about their dry heat but 120 in the shade is still hot. The Grand Canyon is nothing more than a big crack in the earth caused by a lack of water and extreme heat. During Noah’s flood Arizona and New Mexico only got 2 inches of rain.

Wyoming offers great hunting but far too many residents are short-sighted cowboys. Be advised, wear orange clothing while visiting Wyoming. 

What I am trying to say was best summed up by a bumper sticker I saw in Nebraska: “Welcome, Now Go Home.” Besides, I think you left the bathtub running and the iron on. Oh, by the way, did you lock the front door?